Today I am feeling jealous of my money

I sometimes feel so jealous of money and my job mostly because most of people ask first about what salary I get and where I work and all & nobody ask about me. I mean they never care about me or rather give less importance to my other things. In fact my external image is mostly shaped by money, looks and job. It makes me really dejected that nobody loves me – everybody loves my money & job and all. I used to think my mom loves me because I am decent and all so I asked her and she said that she loves me because I have done so much & also because I am her son etc. But she did not say that I am decent – in fact nobody says so. I did not tell her anything but I cried that night. I mean I work for company because they think I am smart.

What’s point in living if nobody loves you? I used to think abt it so much but now I got used to it. Some people call it becoming practical –and that’s why I hate being practical. It makes you emotionless idiot – I do not want to be that. I agree that I also care abt money and all but I do not know *how I became that* I was not that bad as a kid. I like money & doing good job because that’s way you contribute to world and you become good but because of money people do not give importance to people. I mean people treat each other like commodities and I hate that. btw, I have not got good money or good job though but ..

For example, I give gifts to people that relate to somebody’s nature and my relationship with people and all but then when I ask them “what did they like most?” and bingo I always get answer it’s so expansive or looks cool and that makes me nervous because I got gift because I cared abt them emotionally and for me selecting a gift was giving lot’s of time, imagination and real hard work in buying it; and not that damn money. I think that’s why people discovered *gift cards*. And they better be with it because that’s what they want. But I do not want to give up like this. I still love my small gifts that my mom used to give to me. And yeah my uncle was very good & one aunt was good – but I do not talk to her more because my family does not want me. God!! how many times will I kill my heart.

I like reading and watching about freedom fighter because people fought for their country in their own specific way like giving their time, family, life, blood, writing posts and everything and also money. But it was not just money fighting but instead they themselves.

But whenever I do things emotionally they do not work, I mess up people’s life & mine. But I duno how does that happen. You know sometimes I talk a lot on this with my friends and then I regret in night that I wasted my good friend’s time. Anyways now I am going to sleep good bye. I am not good but I was and I would like to be. This line helps me remove my sins from my mind. Sorry abt wasting your time.

Fifteen Random Facts about me

100% true
1. I am a Gemini
2. I never went to school till 11th & never got any tuition in my whole life.
3. I have been fan of almost everything.
4. I am all time fan of rock music on contrary I am too emotional
5. I sometimes cry like 10yrs old – almost every time when ppl help me for no reason OR when I feel like being selfish
6. I am 25 and people get surprised by that I duno why
7. I used to hate myself (one reason that I am selfish ) (now sometimes I like myself ) --it's because over a period of life I realized that I am not that bad.
8. I wanted to do suicide but then postponed thinking world is not that bad and also there are many other ppl living worse life than mine. Well I keep postponing it that’s why I am alive :p
9. Still trying to understand what’s love & how can people hate others for their loved ones.
10.I like falling sick to get people’s affection
11. I am big fan of Warren Buffet & Kurt cobain
12. I lie that I never lie :)
13. I regretting being selfish; I eat non-veg that's too selfish of me.
13. I want to be catcher in the rye :)

Disclaimer: I am posting it on 1st April :)

deep down this face sleeps a child

Here is me in child's words Or you can say real me.

I feel even one book would be less to describe myself or say my 25 years of good and bad games with this mystic and wonderful world & destiny. For me everyday of my life is a unique gift of God so I want to enjoy it at its best. I try to do new things and try to meet different people (off course not replicas) and also contribute something new and useful to world. So many of days have been truly unique but I am not going get in all that but that was fun and wanna have more such days in my life. Well for that you need good friends and companion. And one of the biggest gems that I have learnt through experiences is that this world is full of all kind of people and each of them is unique gift of God to the world. I mean everyone has something special that makes him/her unique and good. It’s like the old saying “Beauty lies in eyes of beholder”. In general perception plays a major role in very aspect of life. I have been through many ups and downs in life and later found both equally memorable, important. Well at least two good points about my notorious down days, first, they make me realize value of so called good days, second, I feel, they give better understanding of life. I would not deny that I have not faced people whom I just wanted to kick for giving me bad time but I feel that feeling was transient but later I felt that it was more of illusion than actually bad. I am sure, by now, you have got my foggy view of world. Now I am gonna describe more ground truth behind this worldly face. Well I feel best way would be to tell what others say about me and what actually I presume about me. I feel it will be good to go through this to understand all aspect of me enigmatic.

Well for this world I am a software engineer working for a software company.
My manager says that I am damn intelligent but I need to be better at organizing things.
I am sure many feel that I am ambitious and I like technology. But actually I mostly see and improve art perspective of my work. I mean, I try to add creative element in my work, basically putting life in raw algorithms and ideas so that they could be useful for humans. Other than that I have big quest for discovering what I am and then being that and improving that but not changing my uniqueness. And yes, I am big follower of the Gita so here goes my core mantra “I like the way I do it and not what I get out of it”. Thus, I like people who like the way I do it and not what I have. For me, life is like a game - I play it the way I love and without caring about the outcome. I like small things more than the big ones, because no body can take them from me. Moreover, these small things give me my true identity. I mean every one goes for the big things: big car, good looking people, being a topper in college, best company, good salary and the list continues. By now you might have guessed that I do not have any of those, or at least am not hypnotized by these, but definitely have good memories of my small life and yeah some small things that I can not live without.Other than that people say this world is all about business but I knowingly do not agree with it. I never try to sell myself and expose myself, but I always like to tell what I am and also know what others are.
Well, now I am gonna tell you other side of coin “What I regret? What are my fears?” My number one fear is time, I think, very morning I am given 24 hours of time but in evening it’s taken from me. I feel that I am or may not utilize this liquid and moving asset fully. Yes, now I have to answer my other question “What I regret?” I am sure that I was more honest, pristine and enthusiastic about life in my kid days and now day by day I am moving towards other direction sometimes to be practical or to achieve something.
I definitely regret changing myself and changing facts according to my needs to become practical. Well that sort of describes me in summary and also answers the questions why I am here. Whatever I have written are honest confessions of my life. At last, in life, sometimes I have been dishonest and bad but on being questioned I have confessed it but not rationalized it.