Sunday, April 15, 2007

Today I am feeling jealous of my money

I sometimes feel so jealous of money and my job mostly because most of people ask first about what salary I get and where I work and all & nobody ask about me. I mean they never care about me or rather give less importance to my other things. In fact my external image is mostly shaped by money, looks and job. It makes me really dejected that nobody loves me – everybody loves my money & job and all. I used to think my mom loves me because I am decent and all so I asked her and she said that she loves me because I have done so much & also because I am her son etc. But she did not say that I am decent – in fact nobody says so. I did not tell her anything but I cried that night. I mean I work for company because they think I am smart.

What’s point in living if nobody loves you? I used to think abt it so much but now I got used to it. Some people call it becoming practical –and that’s why I hate being practical. It makes you emotionless idiot – I do not want to be that. I agree that I also care abt money and all but I do not know *how I became that* I was not that bad as a kid. I like money & doing good job because that’s way you contribute to world and you become good but because of money people do not give importance to people. I mean people treat each other like commodities and I hate that. btw, I have not got good money or good job though but ..

For example, I give gifts to people that relate to somebody’s nature and my relationship with people and all but then when I ask them “what did they like most?” and bingo I always get answer it’s so expansive or looks cool and that makes me nervous because I got gift because I cared abt them emotionally and for me selecting a gift was giving lot’s of time, imagination and real hard work in buying it; and not that damn money. I think that’s why people discovered *gift cards*. And they better be with it because that’s what they want. But I do not want to give up like this. I still love my small gifts that my mom used to give to me. And yeah my uncle was very good & one aunt was good – but I do not talk to her more because my family does not want me. God!! how many times will I kill my heart.

I like reading and watching about freedom fighter because people fought for their country in their own specific way like giving their time, family, life, blood, writing posts and everything and also money. But it was not just money fighting but instead they themselves.

But whenever I do things emotionally they do not work, I mess up people’s life & mine. But I duno how does that happen. You know sometimes I talk a lot on this with my friends and then I regret in night that I wasted my good friend’s time. Anyways now I am going to sleep good bye. I am not good but I was and I would like to be. This line helps me remove my sins from my mind. Sorry abt wasting your time.

1 comment:

Jawahar said...

Bingo ;-) i too feel the same and may be i did not write it up :-)